Look at Me by Anita Brookner

"I felt as if the law of the universe no longer applied to me, since I was outside the normal frames of reference. A biological nonentity, to be phased out. And somewhere, intruding helplessly and to no avail into my consciousness, the anger of the underdog, plotting bloody revolution, plotting revenge." - Anita Brookner, Look at Me

Look at me. The title of Anita Brookner’s third novel sounds almost like a plea, a desperate whimper. Look at me. I am breathing. Look at me. I am alive. Revolving around the quiet life of Francis Hinton - a lonely art historian, this book explores human’s most primal need - the need to be seen. This actually reminds me of Ocean Vuong’s debut novel On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous. In this book, he dissected the correlation between visibility and vulnerability. To elucidate, to be gorgeous, you must first be seen. However, by allowing yourself to be seen, you also allow yourself to be preyed upon. I think that’s basically what happened in Look at Me.

Trapped in the cycle of utter mundanity, Frances felt an inexplicable sense of detachment from her own life. It seems as if she were an observant, rather than a participant in her own narrative. In desperate pursuit of excitement and change, Frances crossed paths with the Frasers - a seemingly perfect and charismatic couple. To Frances, this couple was her “saviour” who graciously dragged her out of her life-long solitude and introduced her to “the charmed life.” Although the couple, especially the wife (who was consistently referred to as “she who must be obeyed”), appeared quite narcissistic and patronizing, the protagonist quickly became enamoured with them, or rather their gilded image. Frances’s infatuation with the Frasers was, to some extent, her effort to compensate for the dull lifestyle she was trapped in. It was as if she hoped their cheerfulness could somehow permeate into her soul and fundamentally change her. For me, the Frasers eerily resembled cult leaders - charismatic, narcissistic, and manipulative. Thus, watching Frances become blindsided by their glamorous exterior was so heart-wrenching that I felt genuinely scared of what the future was holding for her.

There was one particular part of the novel that my treacherous mind kept wandering back to - the Christmas dinner in chapter 10. The description in that scene is extremely vivid and hauntingly beautiful. I’ll give you some excerpts from the novel because my limited vocabulary cannot fully encapsulate the splendour of this literary masterpiece.

“Maria seized a spoon and doled out large portions onto our plates. The sight of the white and yellow mass gave me a momentary pang of nausea, but the others were exclaiming with delight, and soon the sweet liquefying mixture was being attacked, devoured.”

“The faces before me seemed to me to be flushed, venial, corrupt, gorged with sweet food and drink, presaging danger. Smoke wreathed through the hot air, and flakes of ash fell onto the unheeded plates.”

The way the Frasers (and their so-called friends) gobbled up the pudding was so repulsive, vile and almost obscene to me. It was as if the veil had been shredded and Frances could finally see them as who they were - selfish and entitled narcissists. As a person who dabbles with creative writing from time to time, I know that meal scenes are extremely tricky to write because, to some extent, they are inherently tedious (We put food into our bodies every single day, so what's the big deal?). However, with careful execution, meal scenes can also be symbolic and metaphorical. The way Brookner turned that meal scene into a critical moment of epiphany for the protagonist is pure genius. Period.

As I finished the last line of this novel, I chose to believe that it ended with a hopeful denouement because I realized my connection with Frances has morphed into something so profound that I truly wish she could eventually make peace with herself. Although this book has put me through a whirlwind of emotions - from the exhilaration of love to the pain of dashed hopes, I'm so glad that I have picked it up. It certainly won't be my last Brookner.